Today, I, Lyra, Lady Commander something something, kennel club, will be taking over posting duties. Auntie Karen is suffering the aftermath of a most traumatic evening spent at Pack Leader Lachlan’s when it was only due to my vigilance that she survived. I have no doubt that the evil kitten known as Mabel would have eaten her face off as she slept had it not been for my protective growling and whining through the night. Reassured by my regular handlicking, Auntie Karen did manage a few minutes of sleep, likely unaware of the peril I was saving her from. Frankly, she has been largely worse than useless today and, after an entirely unnecessary walk in the rain (which I failed to dissuade her from, despite pointing repeatedly back towards the cozy car), she took to the sofa with her small pointy thing and a bundle of wool and then listened to some total rando wittering on about a murder. I think it may be shock…
Anyway, as she is clearly not going to get around to a blog I resolved to step up and, as a mature and worldly wise lady dog, offer a few thoughts of guidance to my younger followers out there. In particular, I would like to tender some advice to all the pups who have fallen into the trap of thinking their human pets might have a clue what they are on about. It’s easily done – they look almost canine at times. But we must always remember their limitations and not fall into the trap of thinking they really understand the world as we do. Often, what may initially sound almost plausible, even doglike, is revealed on closer examination, to be a parcel of nonsense. It is vital to subject their utterances to proper scrutiny – humans often fail to pick up the stick. Trust your own judgement and don’t be gaslit. Ironically, humans are often at their most absurdly wrong when being most dogmatic. Consider the following examples:
You don’t want to roll in that stinky poo! Well of course you do. Who wouldn’t want to be encased in the delightful aroma of fox or badger?
There – I bet it feels much better without that twig in your tail – Madam, when was the last time someone pulled a handful of hair from your bum?
Puddle water can’t be good for you – It is the perfect blend of hydration and minerals.
Its not kind to chase the pheasants – my good women, those birds have eluded packs of armed hunters for months, they are absolute ninjas, I am merely assisting with their training for next season.
You don’t need to pee on every clump of grass – yes, yes you do! The canine communication network requires continuous updating. Nobody wants to have to rely on yesterday’s pee….
The cat won’t like you if you eat its food. The cat hates you whether or not you eat it’s tuna chunks. It may try to look all innocent and fluffy, but it’s simply biding its time…get your retaliation in first.
So next time your beloved human comes out with some such silliness, firmly demonstrate the error of their ways. It’s your job to teach them little pups! Always remember – a human is a sacred responsibility.
Anyway, I’m going to put Aunnty Karen to bed now. She’s got a big walk to go on in the morning and I’m hoping to start her on biscuit seek and retrieve. I’m fairly certain Aunty Granny hid some custard creams in the pantry and it’s about time someone brought them out…
